


eyelids, heavy as feather

by thebeasknees



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ConnornKirphy has ADHD, Halloween, Im bad at summaries, M/M, Panic Attacks, a 2-shot, and BPD, bathrooms stalls, because yeah, calming down someone from a panic attack, gay shit, more soft stuff, read the summary, so f t, that gay shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25986670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees
Summary: Evan has always known Connor, in a way. He's never felt uncomfortable around him.Or:All the things that make up their relationship. Evan's point of view in chapter 1, Connor's in chapter 2.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	1. of long fingers and tamed eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy!

**1\. Senior year, august 12th.**

The first time Evan can into contact with Connor- truly came into contact with him, was in the public school's bathroom floor. It smelled like piss and perfume and that very school-ish smell: Evan was panicking and _hard_. 

Everything felt fast and white and buzzy, and his breathing was getting awfully hard.

And just like always, there was nobody there. Evan had gotten used to it- the painful silence of his whole life. There was no excitement, there was no edge. Just a repeat of the same day over and over and over again.

Nothing ever got better.

That one thought sent him into a spiral.

_Nothing will ever get better, nothing will ever get better, nothing will ever get-_

"Hansen? Fuck, are you good?" There's a voice. Evan wasn't sure who's, at the time, but there was a voice and that's what he needed, that voice. It was deep and steady and that was what Evan needed. He was so close to lowering down from this hell, so close.

He heard footsteps in his direction. The first thing he make eye contact with were these steady, slim eyes, and they were filled with worry.

Evan knew those eyes.

At least he thought he did.

He'd never seen such emotion in those certain pairs of eyes before.

"Breath with me, Evan, okay? 1..2...3...4... There, you've got it. You're good." Comes the voice again, and what's the name of this voice and this hand that was hovering just inches away from his cheek?

He wanted to know.

Sooner or later, Evan could breathe again. He meets eyes with Connor Murphy, the ' _School Shooter Freak',_ but really, he doesn't feel that scared.

"Hey. I'm.. I'm Connor Murphy."

**2\. Senior year, september 17th.**

It's the first time Connor is going to come over to his house.

And that's.. That's interesting.

Because Evan guesses their friendship revolves a lot around school- seeing each other in the halls and skipping together and eating together.

It was still awkward. Connor still didn't smile much. When he did, it was small- but Evan revels in those smiles. It made his chest go warm and his skin go buzzy but in such a good way and it's just. Amazing but calm, being friends with Connor.

Even if Evan might have crush on him.

But he wont talk about that, not yet.

They walk into his room and Connor just stands around, like he's waiting for directions.

"Y-You.. You can sit down?" Evan says, and it's like a question, but Connor softly sits down on the bed and roughly throws his bookbag across the floor.

They both just sit there, for a while. Connor is tense and Evan is pretty sure he's tenser.

Connor scoffs.

"I'm.. Sorry. If I'm like. Making this weird or whatever. I'm such a fucking dick." Connor notes, like it's a fact but Evan disagrees because Connor has been nothing but good to him this entire time they've been friends.

"You're not.. A dick. Your nice. I like you." Evan says, and it's quiet, for a while, after that.

Evan realized in that moment that they were laying down next to each other on his bed.

Connor turns to him and grins, like actually grins, and it's the warmest Connor's ever looked.

It's gorgeous.

"Like you, too." Connor says back, quietly.

Then he shoots up and looks at the pack of Hunger Games DVD's Evan's got in the corner of his room.

"Wanna watch some movies?"

Of course Evan wants to watch some movies.

Of _course_.

**3\. Senior Year, October 30th**

Evan had never liked holloween. People died and kids got kidnapped and it was just _so_ anxiety inducing, having to answer the door and see the kids face fall in disappointment when he said there was no candy.

It was terrifying.

And he was scared that Connor liked it, because that _sounded_ about Connor, and Evan would have to explain to him that he hates it because it's scary.

It' s embarrassing. Really embarrassing.

Connor comes to his door, and Evan prepares for the worst- some scary suit and a even scarier looming Connor with some pillow cases in his hand.

But instead, it's just. Normal, pretty old Connor.

With several packs of candy and chocolate in his arms.

Connor playfully stumbles in, and Evan is just. So inherently amused at how much of a dummy Connor is.

Connor turns to him proudly, shining his teeth. " _Dude_. I got all this candy, and I was like. Since we're both way too gay to actually go out trick-or-treating, what if we. Like. Just watch a bunch of 80s movies and cry?" 

Evan is _going_ cry.

He is.

This is the best thing that's ever happened to him.

He's tearing up, and Connor looks concerned and he's coming over to him like he always does and just.

Connor is so amazing.

He wishes he met him sooner.

"Ev, are you good?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm just. I hate holloween and I'm so glad you do too."

Connor snickers and flops onto the couch. 

"Yeah, whatever. Come here, Ev."

Evan comes over with the packs of candy and chocolate and grabs a few blankets.

Connor is amazing.

This is amazing.

**4\. Senior year, November 20th.**

Evan liked being friend's with Connor Murphy. It was rocky and strange and unfamiliar, but in a way that was familiar. 

Connor was strange, but in a way that wasn't.

It was raining, outside, and Connor didn't even have shoes on and he was kind of high but this, _this_ was the part of Connor both of them agreed not to bring up.

Connor was currently twirling around. 

In the rain.

Connor Murphy the school shooter, Connor Murphy the Scary, Connor Murphy the kid diagnosed with BPD was currently dancing in the rain.

Like he was in some teenage movie.

And this is just a further reminder, a little knock-knock to the back of his head that _hey hey, you forgot you were in love with Connor Murphy, your best friend? Well here's a reminder_ and Evan is presented with something as breathtakingly beautiful as this.

Connor motions for him to join, and Evan follows because Evan would follow Connor anywhere. He'd follow Connor to the end of the world, truly, if it meant seeing that ever-so-rare smile on his face.

They stay like that, for a while. 

It thunders, and Connor twirls around with it. The rain almost sounds to start with a beat.

Connor is laughing as he drags Evan along with him and this is just perfect, absolutely lovely. Evan could sit here forever, if it meant being next to him.

Connor looks at him, and pauses.

They look at each other.

There's a beat.

Connor lightly reaches out and kisses him.

 _Fuck_.


	2. of feather light touches and soft eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of Connor's core memories with Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Derealization

**1\. September 21st, Senior year.**

It had been a little while after Connor had befriended Evan Hansen- the boy he met on the bathroom floor.

Evan Hansen was a nice boy.

And a cute boy.

And a sweet boy.

He didn't question Connor- and that was good, because Connor hated being questioned. He listened and put in input without being scared, but Connor was sure he was going to scare Evan off, with this one.

Connor was currently _out_ of his _mind_. He couldn't think, and he didn't even know if he was real. Was he real?

Was Evan Hansen real?

Is anyone?

He rocks back and forth in the bathroom, and he startles when he hears Evan come in unannounced, and falters back. 

Connor is frantic and scared and he doesn't know if he's real. _Is he real? Is he real? Is he-_

Evan is sitting him down on the floor, and reassuring him, going _we're real, I'm real, can't you feel me, Con? I'm here. Your here._

And he's never had someone do this for him before, so he's not sure how to react.

He can see, partly. His breathing is evening into tiny little breaths, and slowly but surely, he can focus again.

He can feel again.

Connor looks for fear in Evan's eyes.

He's tired. 

He's sleepy. So, so sleepy.

"I don't understand- why aren't you- like.. Running for the hills, right now, Evan?" Connor jokes, blinking a couple of times.

Evan looks confused. And concerned.

But not terrified.

Not even a little. 

"I could never be scared of you, Connor. You've always been there for me."

Connor is someone's safe space?

Holy shit.

Connor is someone's safe space.

\-----

**2.October 15th, Senior Year**

Everything was warm.

That was the first thing Connor noticed- warmth. Soft fingers and a flutter of eyelashes against his neck- a bundle of hair around his chest.

There was a short somebody laying on him, currently, and though he would love to embrace this questionable warmth on top of him, Connor opens his eyes anyway.

And he's met with a forehead.

Evan's forehead.

He can tell from the freckles and the light scar around his eyebrow.

Evan is on top of him.

Asleep.

And Connor is taking _advantage_ of him.

He's such a perv.

This is completely platonic. Evan has always been like this- comforting cheek touches and braiding his hair and soft, tight hugs. 

Evan was a very touchy person, and Connor wasn't, but it felt nice, being around someone.

Evan shifts on top of him.

His eyes sleepily open, and when he's met with Connor's, he shifts to move.

Connor makes a sound of disagreement, and it's on accident, he swears, but Evan stops in his tracks.

And slowly lowers himself down again.

_What the **fuck** is happening-_

Evan's head lightly rests on his chest again, and his breathing gets all heavy.

"We should do this more. This is nice." Evan mumbles, and it's sleepy.

Connor yawns. He can worry about this possible romantic and totally not platonic affection in the morning- or later. Later in the morning.

The last thing Connor sees are those big brown bambi eyes fluttering clothes, and he's okay, with this being platonic.

Even if he can't have Evan.

Even if he wants him so, so badly.

**3\. November 5th, Senior Year**

Evan was currently explaining how everything in the entire world was a social construct while Connor read a book from Evan's desk. Connor rolled his eyes, looking towards him. "Bug. Come on, we talked about this. It is not existential crisis hour, please for the love of god-"

They make eye contact.

It's a strange silence, for a moment. Everything stills. The air is still and Evan's face is right there and the book doesn't even exist anymore.

And the Evan just bursts out laughing, for no reason, and what's even funny, and 2am in the morning?

But whatever just happened _is_ funny, that moment of silence is the funniest thing ever, because Connor doubles over and cackles, gasping for breath as Evan rolls around on the floor, practically shaking.

"Ev- pft, ohmygod, Icant," Connor blurts out, and his lungs start to genuinely cramp because what the fuck.

Evan tries to reply, but out comes another wheeze.

And Connor does the Very Stupid Thing of turning to Evan while he's laughing.

And it just. It just crashes down on him.

All the reasons Connor is so desperately in love with him. With Evan Fucking Hansen, and how did Connor not know, how did he not know?

Evan is gorgeous, and he has dimples and thousands of freckles and Connor wants to kiss every single one. He has a sense of humor and he has good tree puns and he loves and he cares and just-

Evan has always been so perfect.

How did Connor not know?

Fucking _god_ , how did he not know?

Evan finally runs out of laughter, and falls back onto the bed. He frowns and looks up at Connor.

"You okay?"

More than okay. Connor is more than okay but less than okay, at the same time.

He's in love with his best friend, how could he be so dumb, holy fucking fuck-

"More than good. You're just dumb."

"No, you."

Connor is in love with this dumb idiot. Honestly, what was his brain thinking?

**4\. December 13th, Senior year**

It's their first date.

And Connor thinks he's like. Genuinely going to hyperventilate, because he has someone. He has Evan, and he's by Evan, and that's just. Such a big deal to him.

He has someone.

And Evan Hansen, by the way.

Pretty Evan Hansen, Adorable Evan Hansen, Kind Evan Hansen, Loving Evan Hansen, Anxious Evan Hansen, Sweaty Evan Hansen,

He had him. All of him.

All of Evan is gorgeous. Everything.

Zoe says something suggestive as he walks out the door, and he walks down the street and into the soft coffee shop that's Evan's favourite- because of course it is.

And he sees Evan.

Like.

Really sees him.

He sees his fidgeting and his flushy cheeks, he sees the worried eyes darting around the place. He sees the little scar next to his eyebrow, and the piles of scars on him and just.

He loves him. Loves him so much.

Loves him more than words can describe.

Evan's eyes meet his, and he smiles. Dorky and big and bright.

A smile specifically for him.

He loves that smile.

That's the smile that got him into this mess in the first place.


End file.
